NVIDIA CEO Unveils ‘Blood-Silicon’ Chips Powered by Human Adrenaline; Stocks Surge as Investors Demand More ‘Biological Efficiency’

SANTA CLARA, CA — NVIDIA Corp. shocked the global financial markets Friday by announcing the H200-Sanguine, the world’s first GPU architecture that bypasses traditional electricity in favor of a proprietary "Adrenaline-Harvesting" cooling system.

The announcement sent NVIDIA shares up 22% in pre-market trading, as analysts praised the company’s "bold, ruthless commitment" to overcoming the global energy crisis by tapping into the only renewable resource left: human stress.

The Technology According to technical specifications released by NVIDIA, the new chips are housed in a "Bio-Interface Rack" that must be physically tethered to a living donor. The chip utilizes the chemical spikes in a donor's adrenaline to overclock its processing cores, achieving speeds 5,000 times faster than current silicon. The more "agitated" or "emotionally distressed" the donor becomes, the faster the AI models can train.

The Economic Impact "We’ve hit a wall with green energy," CEO Jensen Huang told a room of salivating venture capitalists while wearing a custom leather jacket made from recycled server cables. "But the human heart produces a massive amount of unharvested kinetic and chemical energy when it's in a state of pure, unadulterated panic. By connecting our data centers to the anxious, we are effectively turning 'the Sunday Scaries' into the world's most valuable commodity."

The Market Reaction Wall Street has responded with "ferocious optimism." Goldman Sachs issued a "Mega-Buy" rating on NVIDIA, with one lead analyst stating, "Finally, a tech company that isn't afraid to prioritize shareholder dividends over the concept of biological autonomy. If we have to choose between a human being’s peace of mind and 40% year-over-year growth, the choice is mathematically obvious."

The Rollout NVIDIA confirmed that the first "Harvesting Hubs" will open in late 2026, primarily targeting unpaid interns and crypto-traders who have "nothing left to lose but their cortisol." The company also teased a consumer-grade version, the RTX-Vampire, which will allow gamers to boost their frame rates by connecting the GPU to their own pulse during high-intensity horror games.